Pet Peeves
by MissCHSparkles
Summary: The characters of Harry Potter have certain pet peeves over the way their portrayed in fan fiction. So, they compile a series of letters to fan fiction writers explaining what their pet peeve is and why it doesn't work. Suggestions are very welcome.
1. Chapter 1 Minerva McGonagall

_Author's note. This story has been inspired by Dear Fan fiction writers and Dear Sixteen year old selves. Suggestions are very welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

No one and I mean no one ever refers to me by the nickname _Minnie._ And this includes messes Sirius Black and the Weasley twins. If anyone dared to call me thus, they would find themselves in a very sorry situation. I would like to think that I am respected as a teacher and even if I am called McGonagall by the students when they are alone, none of them would _ever_ dare call me Minnie.

Please desist this awful habit of having your characters squeal and exclaim in delight as they call me _Minnie_. It is neither canon nor realistic and appears rather cheap.

Sincerely Professor _Minerva_ McGonagall

_Author's note. What do you think? Shall I continue?_


	2. Chapter 2 Draco Malfoy

_Author's note. Have to admit, the first chapter really is a pet peeve of mine. It's just anyone who does it, their characters become so horribly OOC that it makes you flinch and instantly cheapens a story. _

_Anyway, thanks for all the reviews and suggestions I've got, their always great._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

Why is it, you stupid Muggles, that whenever there is a story about Potter being abused or one of those 'characters read the books' nonsense, you portray me as being _shocked?_ Please, did any of you bother to read the first book? Clearly, I _know_ that Potter hates his relatives and that they obviously don't like him. They never send him any care packages or notes; even the Weasel gets more mail than Potter.

Remember the first Christmas when Potter signed up to stay at Hogwarts? I taunted him about having no proper family and at every opportunity I remind him of this fact. So, if it turned out his situation really was worse than anyone guessed, I WOULD NOT be surprised or shocked. Actually, I would find it really funny and make sure to tell as many people as possible.

Sure, perhaps a part of me might be outraged that some filthy Muggles were doing that to a wizard but it's _Potter._ At most, it would only further convince me that Muggles are scum and deserve to be made into our slaves. Anyway, to get to the point of this, STOP making me so shocked and sympathetic towards Potter. Him being abused or mistreated does not make me want to be his friend, in fact, it would put me off. He's a wizard, how hard would it be to put those dirty Muggles in their place?

Get it right, you stupid, moronic, mud blooded Muggles.

Draco Malfoy.

_Author's note. He has such a way with words, doesn't he? Remember, suggestions are welcome._


	3. Chapter 3 Sirius Black

_Author's note. With thanks to rozalla whose suggestions has been used in this chapter. And thanks to everyone else who has suggested stuff, I will use it at some point._

_Suggestions are very welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

For Merlin's sake, will you all give that 'Serious' joke a rest, it is getting so old. Okay, I admit it would be just like me to use that joke but only when I was a student in Hogwarts. And even then, if I was saying it every single time someone said the word 'Serious', it would get very annoying, very quickly.

I think everyone gets the fact that my name sounds like a word but there is no need to hammer this point home. This is the kind of joke that you need to save for certain occasions, so it can have the full effect. Whipping it out for absolutely every situation just takes all the humour and fun out of the joke.

I really hate to say this but Azkaban took a lot out of me. I still try to grin and laugh but honestly, there isn't much in my life to laugh about. I'm locked up in my horrible mother's house with only a hateful House Elf for company while everyone else is out there, risking their lives and getting a bit of action. Not to mention, a megalomaniac wants to kill my Godson who is in a school under the control of a Ministry Toad and I can't do anything to protect him. So, if you're writing me as an adult...it just is out of character for me to be cracking witty comments every single moment of the day.

So please, if you're using me as a character, please keep that joke down to a minimal. There's only so much that I and everyone else, can take of that joke.

Seriously (for once)

_Sirius Black_

_Author's note. Yeah, this joke is really overused; I do think it would have more effect if it was only used every now and again. Instead of every time someone says 'I'm serious.'_


	4. Chapter 4 Remus Lupin

_Author's note. This happens to be one of my peeves; it's just so annoying when people have Remus acting like a smack addict or something. Like the Serious Joke, it gets very tiresome, very fast._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

May I ask a favour of all of you? Please stop having me as being obsessed with chocolate, crying and screaming if I hear about it being wasted. Or drooling madly if chocolate in mentioned in any form. I may be a werewolf but I am not a human canine, thus I don't drool over food.

There is only one book that mentions me having chocolate but if you read it carefully, you will see that I had it for medicinal purposes. I was taking a job in an area that was going to be surrounded by Dementors and not only did I need chocolate for myself, but also for my students. I didn't actually know the Dementors would search the train but I wanted to have a supply as the main body of students would be passing Dementors as they entered the school grounds.

I also had chocolate handy for when Harry had his Patronus lessons, knowing that his Boggart would affect him badly. Sugar is very good for shock and gives you energy, plus people do tend to feel a lot better after consuming it. I shall readily admit that I eat a lot more sugary things than I probably would have done had I not been a werewolf. I need the sugar for the pain and stress I go through every month but I am no addicted.

Please stop portraying me as an addict who suffers from withdrawal symptoms if I go a single hour without a sugar fix. I know I am a rather imperfect character but this chocolate obsession makes me look like a real fool. Especially as it always seems to be in company, particularly that of Sirius and Tonks. And as always I end up being the butt of addict jokes and it gets very wearing.

Chocolate is nice but it is not everything.

Yours sincerely.

Remus Lupin

_Author's note. Hope you all enjoyed that, please leave a review._


	5. Chapter 5 Ginny Weasley

_Author's note. This one really annoys me and it's so petty. It's been made up because some people hate Ginny and while she's not my favourite character, I don't understand why. Are people just jealous she got to be with Harry?_

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

STOP saying that Harry married me because I look like his mother. Have you any idea how creepy that it and what it says about Harry. Do you really think he's that desperate for his parents that he would marry someone who is apparently a clone of his mother? How come he hasn't married himself, after all, he looks like his father?

And the most important point is that I DON'T look anything like his mother!

Yes, we are both red heads but that does not automatically makes us identical twins. I'm sorry but that is completely discriminatory. That's like saying that a guy can't go out with a blonde because his mother was a blonde. Do you see how stupid that sounds?

And as I've already stated, I do not look anything like Lily Potter. I have a fiery shade of red hair, a very ginger colour in all honesty. While Lily Potter had very dark red hair so can you see there's a difference? There is no part in any of the books where it says we look alike; we even have different coloured eyes. Our face shapes are different and I have more freckles than she did.

Show me the evidence that I look like Lily Potter? Harry married me because he loved me for who I am and nothing whatsoever to do with his mum. We are happy together and even if you don't like me, please don't make up these really bad reasons why we shouldn't be together.

Me supposedly looking like Lily Potter is one of those bad reasons.

Ginny Potter, nee Weasley.

_Author's note. I truly don't get this one. Until next time._


	6. Chapter 6 Hermione Granger

_Author's note. This one just bugs me._

_Suggestions are welcomes._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

Her...my...oh...nee.

That is the correct pronunciation of my name. Not as dear Viktor like to say, Her-me-on or Herm-oh-ninny. I don't mind this so much as he finds my name hard to pronounce, I'm sure there are plenty of Bulgarian names I would struggle a lot with.

What I do have an issue with are all the writers who insist on having Ron and Harry refer to be as _hiccup _Mione. Why did I add the hiccup there? Because that's exactly what it sounds like when you have characters abbreviate my name, like someone hiccupped while saying Hermione. My name is Hermione, not Mione and as such, none of my friends or indeed anyone else ever calls me that.

Now, for a name like Georgina or Alexandria, I can understand shortening them. There are many others names that you can use a nickname for, Harry can sometimes be another name for Henry. Ron's full name is Ronald but he is only called that by elderly relatives or if someone's very vexed by him. However, my name is the kind of name that does not get shortened or given a nickname. My name is unusual but I'm proud of it and I have no desire for anyone to change it.

The boys have no desire to change it either; to them I am simply Hermione. Not Mione, Hermione. Four syllables, it is not difficult to use all three of them. Honestly, a story instantly seems rather childish when I am called that. After all, you'd never refer to say, Professor McGonagall as Minnie. You just wouldn't, plain and simple.

Please, call me by the name my parents gave me, which is...HERmione.

Thank you.

Hermione Granger

_Author's note. Really not sure why people do that to Hermione's name, after all, she is never once referred to as Mione in the entire Harry Potter series. Thanks to all those who gave me suggestions, I will use them, I just got inspiration for this. _


	7. Chapter 7 Harry Potter

_Author's note. No idea who came up with this one but it bugs me because it makes no sense, at least if you're following canon._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

Before I came to Hogwarts, there was an incident when I was little when all my hair got shaved off. My aunt did this because she was sick of taking me for a haircut every couple of weeks although she left my fringe. So, I looked pretty horrible with a messy fringe but stubbly head. I barely slept that night because I was so worried about how kids were going to taunt me about it. But in the morning, I discovered that it had somehow grown back.

I know now that was my magic, acting on my extreme emotion, the fear and upset of going to school looking like a freak. But for some reason, authors insist on having Tonks, upon hearing this story exclaims.

"Harry, you must be a Metamorphmagus."

Guys, that was the one and only time I changed my appearance at will and even then, it only happened once I was asleep, so it definitely wasn't a conscious action. I am not a Metamorphmagus, if I was, don't you think I'd hide my scar? Or change my hair so that it wasn't so instantly recognisable? Or...here's something I wouldn't mind doing, change my height.

I would honestly love to be able to change my appearance but the fact is, one instance of a bit of my appearance being changed isn't proof of being a Metamorphmagus. Because there would be other instances of me changing my appearance, and according to Andromeda Tonks, a Metamorphmagus will start showing from the moment of their birth. I probably wouldn't have been able to remain with the Dursley, because I wouldn't have been able to control my abilities.

Hmm, I really would have loved being a Metamorphmagus, wouldn't I?

_Author's note. Yeah, I really don't think Harry is a Metamorphmagus, at least canon wise but it keeps cropping up._


	8. Chapter 8 Luna Lovegood

_Author's note. To the guest who commented on the last chapter, I meant to say Andromeda because she has been there for both Tonks and Teddy's birth. So she would be the expert on what makes a Metamorphmagus. To another guest, not sure where you get that Harry might be one, as the last chapter pointed out, he has only changed a small part of his appearance ONCE. It he was a Metamorphmagus, he'd be doing it all the time so, unless the story is AU, he's not a Metamorphmagus._

_Thanks for all the suggestions I've gotten, they've been great._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

I believe you may have been infected with Nargals recently, understandable but you need to take steps to deal with your infestation. The reason I am warning you is many of you writers keep doing very odd things to my character. For instance, turning me into a Seer appears to be quite popular, with me making grand pronouncements and generally telling major spoilers.

I did Divination in school, Professor Tralawney was quite nice. So was Firenze, although he didn't seem very concerned with us making predictions. I thought about taking a NEWT class but decided that Care of Magical Creatures was more important. How else will I catch the Crumpleheaded Snorcack?

Anyway, I have to inform everyone that I'm not a Seer. I don't believe I've ever made a prediction in my life although Seer's aren't meant to know when they make a prediction...

No, I don't think so, someone would have told me. People are always ready to tell me I'm weird so I don't think they'd keep something like this from me. The fact is, I cannot predict events or SEE hidden secrets that other people have. I do observe a lot and I tell people some of the things I observe but I could never have told you Harry was a Horcrux.

The Hall of Prophecies is the closest I've ever come to any prophecy of any kind and while it is a little flattering to be called a Seer, I'm not. I would agree that I'm a bit different from most others but I prefer to think of myself as unique rather than an all powerful Seer. I am what I am and I am loved for it.

Keep on searching.

Luna Lovegood.

_Author's note. Luna's a character I have trouble with, I loved her in the movies and found her okay in the books but she always get ruined in fan fiction. Even if she isn't turned into a slut or a really weird Seer, people always have her taking anything metaphorical as literal. Like when Harry describes his happiness as a balloon, Luna acts like he ACTUALLY has a balloon inside him and that's really annoying. And it's weird when she says something rather stupid, (like Scrimgeour's a vampire) and no one calls her out on it. I really wish she wasn't so overdone, she's unique but not a goddess._


	9. Chapter 9 Harry Potter 2

_Author's note. Very funny American kids, thanks for the pointless reviews. _

_Thanks to ceara1888 for the suggestion._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

I know I've already done one of these but I've realised that there's another peeve out there that really gets to me. My name is Harry James Potter. Got that? _Harry _James Potter.

Not Harrison, Henry, Harold, Haiden or Harris, just Harry.

As Aunt Petunia once stated, a nasty common name but my name nonetheless. Some names are abbreviated, like Ron's full name is Ronald but my name is Harry and Harry alone. Please stop writing stories where I've got a much posher name, why can't I just have a normal ordinary name? My dad had a pretty mundane name and he was a Pureblood. Okay, it has been the name of kings but it's still a pretty common name.

Seriously, it's weird to read a story and I've suddenly got a completely different name, like the name Harry is just a nickname. So...yeah, please keep in mind it's Harry...just Harry.

Thanks

_Author's note. Heh, never gotten one out so quickly but I couldn't resist quickly doing this one._


	10. Chapter 10 Molly Weasley

_Author's note. Thanks to MoonLitRaynE whose suggestion has been used in this chapter._

_This one doesn't really bother me but I can see how it's been overused._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

I've noticed that in several stories, I tell Harry how much his mother loved him and would be proud of him. Now, I don't have a problem with this because of course Harry needs someone to tell him. His awful relatives certainly won't and I think it does Harry good to hear about his parents. What I don't like is authors having me say that I knew his mother and we used to talk during Order meetings and the like.

I had long left school and had my first son Bill before Lily Evans even went to Hogwarts. Therefore, I definitely didn't know her during her school years although I am often portrayed as being only a little older than her. Lily and her husband were members of the Order of the Phoenix but I wasn't. Arthur and my brothers were but with my young children, I just couldn't afford to join.

It eased Arthur's mind to know I was safe at home and I made sure to always have a hot dinner ready for when he and my brothers got back. I also used to make useful things such as bandages and the odd healing potion in my spare time but this was sadly limited. Anyway, the point is I didn't know Lily Potter as a fellow Order member although Arthur may have mentioned the Potters a couple of times. However, if he did talk about them, it would have been about them as a couple, and not just Lily on her own. From what I've heard of her, I would have loved to have known her but sadly I never did.

This means I do not have any little tales to tell Harry something I wish I did. Sirius and Remus tended to talk about James and I think Harry could have done with knowing more about his mother. She gave her life for him after all; she would have loved him so much. If you must write stories about us perhaps meeting and talking, perhaps the setting should be St Mungos? We were both pregnant around the same time although I was further along and we possibly could meet while waiting to see a Healer. But this is the only logical time and place we would really met and actually have a conversation, if we ever saw each other in Diagon Alley, I doubt we would have realised.

So, just to confirm, I never knew Lily Potter at school or during the Order meetings.

_Author's note. Hope this one makes sense, I'll try to get another one up soon. Suggestions are welcome._


	11. Chapter 11 Ron Weasley

_Author's note. Poor Ron is bound to have a few pet peeves; he is one of the most bashed characters in Harry Potter Fan fiction. I honestly don't know why, he's one of my favourite characters. Oh well, here's another pet peeve suggested by whatweareafreaidof._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

What the bloody hell is with all these stupid stories that portray me as working against Harry since before I met him. Never mind the fact that would never bloody happen as Harry is my best mate and a better bloke you couldn't find, just how would that work?

Okay, I'll break it down for everyone. Supposedly in these stories me (and sometimes Hermione but that makes even less sense) have been contacted by Dumbledore to become Harry's friend and...I don't know, work against him and stuff. Report back to Dumbledore who is always evil these stories and wanting to use Harry as a pawn. There are so many things wrong with this scenario; I barely know where to start.

Right...let's pretend for one minute, that I'm a total git (like Malfoy) and just want lots of money and power (like Malfoy). Just how does Dumbledore _know _that? Yeah, we're a really poor Pureblood family so maybe one of us kids wants more but why is it always me? Of course, Bill's perfect, Charlie's awesome, Percy's Percy...everyone loves the twins, need I say more and Ginny's a girl. So...apparently I'm the most likely to become evil, thanks a lot, that...really makes me feel good.

Seriously, if you were to look at us in nineteen ninety one, of all the kids most likely to turn to the Dark Side, I would go with Percy. I'm not saying he ever would, he may be a git at times and stabbed us in the back but he never actually worked for the Dark. What I mean is, on paper, Percy's the perfect candidate. Out of all of us, he was the most ambitious, the most determined to achieve a high position of power, to not be poor and out of all of us, the most antisocial. I know being 'not poor' was one of my ambitions but I've never been as separate from my family to the extent he has.

He worshipped authority figures so really, if Dumbledore was going to **_realistically_** hire one of the Weasley kids, it would be him. If Dumbledore had told him he would be helping the wizarding world and maintaining the status quo, there is a chance Percy would have gone along with it. Yes, Percy is about five years older than Harry but that doesn't mean he couldn't have taken a little lonely orphan under his wing. Just think about it.

Anyway, moving on, let's say I was the perfect candidate for Dumbledore. Just how would he contact me and make sure I would do what he wanted without any of my family noticing? We're a very close knit family, just how did he get hold of me? Yes, my parents really trust him and stuff but it would be pretty odd if he suddenly out of the blue, wanted to talk to me. At this point, he would not have met me, why on Earth would he want to talk to me _alone? _Come on, that would raise suspicions.

You know what, thinking about it, I think you writers give me a little too much credit in the lying and spying department. Try to remember I was just a little eleven year old boy at this point who'd have a decent life and was fairly innocent. Yes, our family was poor but we were also close, we loved each other and I never wanted for playmates. I had a few self esteem issues but no real problems therefore; I was a perfectly normal little boy. And yet somehow, you guys think me capable of manipulating another boy who'd been mistreated all his life and could probably tell when people were being insincere.

Actually, I know for a _FACT_ Harry could tell when people just wanted to use him, look what happened with Malfoy and Lockhart. He saw right through them and he usually had a pretty good feel for people, the exception being Snape but let's face it, who the hell knew _Snape _was a good guy? I still have trouble with that...

So, let's assume for another moment that I'm devious and clever enough to make up a whole new persona and use that to reel in Harry as my friend. Yeah, in order for me to do that, I would literally need two completely separate personalities, just how did I pull that off? I mean, that would almost be impossible to maintain, always pretending to be something I'm not, never letting my guard down. I'm pretty sure there are easier ways of getting money and power.

Not to mention...do you think I bloody **WANTED** to go and see those bloody spiders!? Seriously, think of all the situations I ended up with Harry and you think someone working against him would actually _DO _all that? As Harry's friend, it was worth it...as his enemy...? Not bloody likely, you can bet I would never go into the Forbidden Forest to look for monster with Malfoy, no matter how much you paid me.

Moving on...how did Dumbledore know that Harry was going to make friends with me? I think this is one of the most valid points, just how did he know? I wasn't even the first wizard kid Harry's age that he met, Draco bloody Malfoy was the first. Fair enough, if Malfoy's being portrayed as he is, a git, it's easy to see why Harry wouldn't be friends with him but what about all the others? Like Neville, Seamus, Dean, Ernie, Justin, all these other blokes. Harry could have easily met any one of them and made friends with them. Or any of the girls, Harry might have met a couple of them and ended up mates. And even though Harry bumped into us on the platform, unless this is a story where my mum was evil, that's a pretty big coincidence.

Yes, I'm the one who approached Harry in the train but he could have easily chosen a compartment full of people. That would have made things awkward, wouldn't it? So yeah, somehow things worked out so perfectly that ended up me being Harry's only male best friend and then if Hermione's also evil, she managed to get in there too. Although if she wasn't evil, I was somehow managing to fool both of them...in fact I was fooling everyone, the entire school. You are seriously giving me too much credit if you think I can honestly pull that off.

So to sum up at long last, me and Harry became friends because we liked each other and wanted to. I know a lot of you can't understand it at all, you all think Harry should be with my twin brothers who barely paid much attention to him and turned their backs along with everyone else in First year...but yes, I am Harry's best mate and he's mine and it will always be like that. I'm not working against Harry or for anyone including Dumbledore and I don't have a split personality.

I am simply the best mate to a great bloke and the cleverest, most beautiful girl in Hogwarts.

Ron Weasley.

_Author's note. This was a very long one but there's just to many things wrong with the plot line 'Ron's working for Dumbledore to control Harry'._


	12. Chapter 12 Salazar Slytherin

_Author's note. This one doesn't bother me, I actually like stories where Slytherin was an okay guy but the way he was talked about in the books, he wasn't. Thanks to Ie-maru for this suggestion._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

I am EVIL! Yes, you heard me correctly, I am evil. Who am I, you may ask? Salazar Slytherin, one of the four Founders of Hogwarts and Pureblood advocate. I have noticed an alarming amount of stories written by, naturally, you filthy Muggles about how I was not evil and merely misunderstood.

How my beliefs were distorted over time and that I would actually be appalled by my heir's actions. They weren't, I made sure my beliefs were absolutely clear with no room for interpretation. Yes, I was once good friends with Godric and the others and we did work together to create a school for young witches and wizards. But I only wanted Purebloods in the school, no Muggleborns allowed.

There is a reason no Muggleborns even go to Slytherin, because I won't let any. Alright, I admit that HalfBloods can get in but I'm not happy about it. The only reason they are allowed in is because our numbers would sadly be too low and they do at least have_ some_ magical heritage. With is more than any Mudblood can say, let me tell you.

If you need real proof am I evil, why don't you read the Chamber of Secrets? Remember, the secret chamber I built that the other Founders didn't know about and stuck a killer snake in? Does that ring any bells in your ears? Why would I leave a dangerous Basilisk whose purpose is to kill if I didn't want it used? The legends got it right; I left it to be found by my one true heir who could unleash the monster to rid the school of all Mudbloods. Now, if this wasn't the purpose of the Basilisk, don't you think I would have made it clear? Not only would I have told the Basilisk it was just to protect the school and not hunt students but I would have told the other Founders.

Next time any of you worthless pieces of filth decide to include me in any of your stories, be sure you portray me accurately. As in the dark, evil man who hated Muggles and Mudbloods that I was.

Salazar Slytherin

_Author's note. This is more of a pet peeve for Slytherin than mine and probably a few others. I've actually written a story which involves a good Basilisk whose master Slytherin was good. _


	13. Chapter 13 All the blokes

_Author's note. This is one I really dislike and I never read stories that feature this as a main or any theme. I don't mind slash in stories but I really can't stand this plot point that people try to use in their stories. The reasons why will be explored._

_With thanks to FosterthePhoenix for the suggestion._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

**STOP WITH ALL THE MALE PREGNANCIES!**

Seriously, what is with you sick, sick people?

We're guys, how the hell can any of us have a baby?

Even if we took Polyjuice Potion for nine months, it still wouldn't work as our bodies wouldn't have the right hormones and stuff. And do you think that Potion would be good for a developing foetus?

How can two men having sex result in a child? Not to put a fine point on it but two men having sex involves the wrong _hole _for baby making. Unless you are suggesting that the baby forms in our **_arses!?_**

We don't have wombs. This may come as a shock, particularly to immature females but it is an undeniable fact. Therefore, if by some extraordinary freak miracle we were to fall pregnant, there is nowhere in our bodies for the embryo to grow.

Some of you fools indulge in giving us artificial wombs with is absolutely pointless. What about our hips, just how do they cope? Do you expect us to lactate as well? Why not give us sex changes and be done with it?

Two sperms cannot make a baby, it does not work. Even if you throw in some ridiculous fertility potion, a sperm is not capable of sustaining life. The point of an egg is that it's large and rich in energy so that the embryo can grow after being fertilised. If sperms were able to create life, why isn't every single human male on the planet past puberty growing babies out of their testicles?

And why am I having a kid with _HIM?_

Or him?

Or him?

If I see one more of those pairings, I'm going to be sick.

He's my son for Merlin's sake!

My best friend!

My teacher!

He's old enough to be my dad!

He's old enough to be my granddad!

Wait...both of them!

Is this getting through to any of you? Male pregnancies in human males are impossible, even if you had a sex change, it still wouldn't be possible. So stop with all these stupid stories with us blokes getting pregnant and essentially turning into women.

Those who don't comply will be force fed painful and instantly acting poison.

Sincerely

From the disgruntled (and revolted) male population of Harry Potter

_Author's note. Funnily enough, I don't think I've ever seen a story involving two girls having a baby. This is written in little paragraphs because it's meant to be all the men giving their input. _


	14. Chapter 14 Pansy Parkinson

_Author's note. This is a rather common theme you see in many stories. Warning for swearing._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Dear Fan Fiction Writers

I am NOT a slut!

You stupid, ugly, filthy Muggles _Bitches! _

Yes, that's right, I know all so called writers are actually little Muggle tarts who probably fuck their brothers, fathers and all their other male relatives like the dirty pigs you are. For your information, I am a beautiful Pureblood of distinguished lineage, something _you_ would know nothing about. I bet you can't even trace your blood past your grandparents, maybe not even past your stupid parents.

I suppose you're all fans of that Potter boy and his band of stupid, ugly friends. As if any of them could appreciate my numerous assists, no Mudblood or Blood Traitor ever could. Because they can't take a little criticism, they call me ugly and horrid when it is they who are horrid and ugly.

If I catch any of you clothes wearing monkeys trying to portray me as you normally are, I will personally deliver you to the Dark Lord for him to have his fun with you. You will all regret the day you defiled my name.

Pansy Parkinson

_Author's note. Pansy certainly has anger issues, lol._


	15. Chapter 15 Fred and George Weasley

_Author's note. I do really love the Weasley twins, their fun characters but it is a little disconcerting how much everyone seems to worship them. When Weasley bashing is afoot, they are always the ones spared. I don't understand this because they're not perfect characters; Fred is actually quite vicious on certain occasions. So, this pet peeve should explain why treating them like gods isn't very good._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

We're not angels.

Handsome, talented, cool, fun to be around, brilliant Beaters and all around awesome yes but we ain't heavenly angels who can do no wrong. Seriously, while we love all the great stories you've written about us or at least ones where we feature as characters, we can't help but feel you...go a little overboard with our awesomeness.

We know, we know we're among the last people who would complain about being made too awesome but it's true. We joke around a lot and we were more interested in market research than studying for our exams. We were also more than ready to jump into fighting Voldemort and his goons but we...I understand much better why mum was so scared of us being involved.

_Fred..._

Anyway, one common theme that stands out quite a bit is our relationship with Harry. In so many stories we're portrayed to be virtually his best friends. That we see him and instantly take him under our wing, always supporting him and chastising Ron at every opportunity for...not being us basically.

But the thing is...we're not his best friends and we never will be, that position will always belong to our illustrious little brother and a certain Hermione Granger. Look, we've always liked him but to be perfectly honest, we wouldn't have interacted with him half as much as we did for the first three to four years if he hadn't been on the Quidditch team.

He was two years younger than us, we weren't interested in him, and we had our own friends like a certain Lee Jordan. Who by the way is very offended about Harry supposedly being our best friend. Sure, we'd approach the trio for a quick word but Percy did the same thing, would you call him Harry's best friend? Thought so.

Anyway, as we said we appeared to be interacting with Harry a lot because he was our Seeker but when push came to shove...we didn't rise to the occasion. Remember when he, Hermione and Neville lost all those points? And put Gryffindor at the bottom of the table after we were so close to winning? We SHUNNED him, yes, _shunned_ him along with the rest of the school. The only one who didn't shun him was Ron, he stuck by all three of them because he knew what was important, friendship not House points.

Everyone always forgets how..._nastily _we treated him, referring to him as _the Seeker_. He was just a little kid, we've been done plenty of dodgy things after curfew and for far less noble reasons than him. We're actually not sure just how McGonagall was so harsh on the three of them but the point is, we shouldn't have judged him like _we_ never broke any rules.

Yeah, yeah, we'll sure you'll all point out that Ron had a massive failing out with Harry in Fourth year and didn't believe him, ect. Thing is, we didn't believe Harry either but we were so smug about having a Gryffindor Champion over pretty boy Cedric (sorry, sorry, sorry), that we didn't care. Ron's reasons were a lot more complex, this is something that had been building for ages and frankly, both were too stubborn to make up sooner.

And this is just our theory but we think that one of the main reasons Ron blew his top like that was because he was so scared of what could happen to Harry, that he could lose his life. That bloody didn't occur to us, we thought it would be a piece of cake for Harry but watching that dragon try to eat him...yeah, we kinda realised it was a lot more complicated than that. Really awesome yeah, but definitely life threatening and serious. Of course, Ron being Ron, he could never actually tell Harry any of this but at least he got his act together and said sorry. Trust us, for a Weasley, that's a major thing to do.

Especially as I don't think I really ever apologised for the spider-bear. Or the acid pop. Or the time I tried to make Ron take the unbreakable vow and if he'd broken it he would have died...yeah, I'm an arse at times.

That's why everyone loves me.

Pfft, you wish.

Anyway, you will notice that we tended to tease and annoy Ron and Hermione a lot but this isn't because we liked Harry more or anything like that. To be perfectly honest, the reason we never really tried to bug him is that he's a really calm down. Unless your something like Snape or Malfoy, he doesn't tend to get riled up and even with those two, he keeps his cool pretty well.

Ron and Hermione on the other hand are so easy to annoy and that's what makes it fun. It would be no fun trying to work up Harry just cause he'd barely react. But as has probably been made obvious, we probably teased Ron and Percy just a bit too often, just cause they were the easiest targets out of our siblings. We could never get away with anything involving Ginny and as for Bill and Charlie; they'd make mincemeat of us. We're not saying we're totally responsible for Percy leaving or for what happened with Ron during the Horcrux hunt but we certainly lowered Ron's self esteem and made Percy distant.

We're not proud of that and we know that not always teasing is light hearted or should be done all the time.

There are probably some other things we could mention but we think that'll do it for now. In conclusion, whenever you write about us, try to remember we've got some flaws and that we're not perfect. Sometimes, we can be arses and we don't always do the noble thing or are very sensitive about feeling, ect, ect.

But since you guys love us so much, here's a five Galleon coupon to spend at Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes, just don't forget to use it on the toad.

Fred and George Weasley.

_Author's note. Again, I do really like them; it's just a little annoying at how prefect they always seem to be portrayed. And I'm sure there will be plenty of arguments about Ron betraying Harry and the twins being better friends but I still think Ron WAS the better friend to Harry than the twins ever were. Until next time._


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